Leah Marie Dorion | Artwork by Frank Howell
O yeah, this is where I am going with the whole grey hair granny thing!. I want to be a warrior, a protector, a daughter of Mother Earth. One day I want to be a spirit grandmother. Today I am a woman transitioning, ten years ago there were three generations living in this house, nine of us in our three bed house, me and GD sleeping on a bed sofa in the front room, we have no living room like lots of houses have, and just a small kitchen. We didn’t have T.V half the time because we could not afford a licence, but we had fun, we danced, we sang, told stories by candle light, camped out in the garden for our holidays and banged biscuit tins for drums and shook pulse filled washing up bottles for shakers. Eventually my mum moved next door to live next to us, as she gradually slipped away from us with alzeimers disease. I child minded up to three under five’s at a time until mum got too bad to be left for a minute. Today there is just the youngest child left at home, moving to uni in September. Most of the time I’m really up beat about it and don’t get me wrong I am excited about the future, I am excited about now ‘this’ moment, I’m excited to be recording all the great things that are happening in my life on this blog, but there is also a part of me that while I am in the middle of all this that is finishing, there is a crying, a howling at the moon, from somewhere so deep I don’t think there is an end to it, it is beyond time or measure. I wanted to share this my truth today, truth that we are conditioned to maybe be ashamed of, or feel we should not mention as women, this deep howl of lamenting transition, somehow it feels a very natural part of the journey but at the same time I wonder, a part of me does’t know if it is an acceptable side of my shadow to reveal this wild and feral side. I understand that if we allow our selves to look at the universe, what is happening to us, to really see it, it becomes as a mirror, we will see our reality, instead of being reactive or consumed by circumstance, we can learn to have peace and understand the lessons we need from what we have manifest.. I am experiencing many endings in my world, some appear major like a job ending, children leaving, menopause, some may appear more minor to others, but not to me, like my dog getting old old, not being needed to pick up the grand kids, today my favourite yoga class being in the balance, it threw me. I asked the universe to show me why I was suffering with the class situation, I was so tired and been dealing with lots of pressures this week. The universe showed me I had limited my thinking on the situation, my subconscious mind had said it was too much for us, I have not been paid why now, life is against me, but when I took the limiting out of the equation, I realized the class was still accessible in a form, just not the form I had become attached to.I knew it had to be just the way it was, I was expecting change, I even needed to surrender attachment to the thought that if I surrendered maybe my desire, my want would become accessible again. I was struggling with all this this morning pressures felt heavy because I have let them become so, my attitude was weary and tired. I can catch these demons better than i used to, in fact there was a time I was completely unaware of them. I remembered that Sri Swami Satchidananda in his book ‘the Golden Present’ wrote this about God “As a good father, good mother, You know what is beneficial for me. You give me what I need. Please don’t give me what I want. I will accept whatever You give me. And I will accept what You take away from me.You are the giver You are the taker”. My old Molly dog lays at my feet and I stroke her with my bare foot and ruffle her tummy while I type away in the evening, she is well into borrowed time I know, there will be another ending to come soon. As I am Writing though my heart is just filling up with gratitude, gratitude for all the people I know who uniquely play a part in my story, journeying with me, teaching me, sharing samsara, gratitude for this wonderful mysterious, beautiful life.