As I sit by the log fire burning with wood we chopped from our old trees, I recall you sitting at the end of the sofa from where I am tapping away on my keypad, your feet would be up on the the coffee table and undoubtable a dog or two would be laid stretched out around you.
You loved coming home to the cottage from London and chilling out, you always called this home even though we were only here a few years. You always said you’d grown up in Borehamwood but now in Cornwall you’d come home.
Eighteen months tomorrow, its hard to put into words what this feels like, one minute I feel you as if you have just stepped out the room and are coming back in in a moment, another it is as if you are here, I see you so clearly and I hear your thoughts in my head as if you were speaking directly to me out loud, and sometimes the gap of separation is so large so void I am undone in grief and sorrow.
You were just twenty three and yet I sense you growing older, you were just at the cusp of your blooming into the mature man you were easily becoming, you were always so much older than your years and yet had an innocence of playfulness about you. I remember so much of the boy in you but I see you for the man you had become.
The other day I said to my daughter how sometimes it seems so wrong that we do normal everyday things when this unbelievable happening has touched us and we wear it and we still go on about our days and she said it doesn’t matter that we do things just like we always did because it does not mean that we remember and miss Matthew any less than the very first day we were shattered.
Now we are in our second year I see how we were protected in the first by the shock and incomprehension that Matthew had physically left this earth, now we know that it really is real, Matthew our beautiful tall and lanky youngest child has really run ahead of all the rest of us and so did my husbands younger brother Derek shortly afterwards, I like to think of those two living it up in heaven and laughing and looking down on us all still here trying to work life out and messing up as we do and giving us a high five when we do something loving or funny, something small that takes courage or even the big things.
We put the tree up and hung the two golden snowflakes we brought for the two of them and we are sure Matthew and Derek were with us as we hung all the ornaments that day.
I’m seeing robins that come and sit by us everywhere and I’m sure that is a Matthew sign as I have a little robin sitting on the ashes shelf just in front of his photograph.
There are no words to express the love in our hearts that has to find new ways to live and to express, hope is a word that comes to mind, hope in the belief we are just spirits having expression in the physical world, I have read when the time comes for us to graduate we remember no gap of time, of the bone aching pain of separation, and we are met with our loved ones and it is a joyful party of reunion. How I hope and believe in these thoughts.
Matthew how we love you and love is infinite.
This year we welcomed Little Snowdon into the world, Matthew’s second older brother Julian and his wife Jazz welcomed Snowdon in June of this year, he carries Matthew’s name as his second name, I made Snowdon a little stocking as I do for each new arrival.
Matt had an orchid on his desk at his flat in Balham so we brought one for him last year and it is just coming into bud, beautiful just like our Matt.
When I write it brings me close to Matthew. I feel him beside me. When I think of the two boys in heaven I get a cheerful feeling like they are having a ball. Love you boys, fly high.