I ‘ve been feeling a bit negative about life recently, almost anticipating and expecting let down, failure, disappointment before it even arrives, I’ve let my awareness slide and got a little lost in the process. So to lift these low moods and change my perspective I’m keeping a gratitudes journal during September, jotting down a few things from each day that I am grateful for, probably saving the days up from the week and putting them in one longer post at the end of the week, but here are the first gratitudes to help get me going.
Day 1: Am already wondering what will make my heart sing today and that’s an improvement on this eeyore rain cloud I’ve been under.
GD says nothing can make his heart sing again and I understand.
Gratitudes: GD and I signed up for an allotment on a new area being created near to us, just down the road. We went over to check out how the ground breaking is going, we see it won’t be long now before we can start to plant our veggies. Our old allotment is closed down now, we covered it for lock down and it remains covered for the time being, we will give it up as up as soon as the new one is definitely ours and got plants in. I’m grateful for Sharon and Phil who are converting this area, for their vision for the community, for our village, and for letting us be a part of that vision with our allotment.
Gratitudes: GD and I made a meal, it included eggs from our own chickens, salade leaves, red, green, rocket, red pepper, onions, toms, cucumber, all from the back garden and the greenhouse.
Gratitudes: I got my hair cut today!. Lauren was lovely and I am really pleased with losing some of my unruly locks. I have not been inside an actual hairdressers shop for many many moons, I was nervous, but it was all good.
At the end of the day I sit in reflection on the day, the fire has been lit for the first time as the night air has an unexpected chill in it. I am suddenly aware that September has slid in and the chill reminds me that the seasons are changing.
Day 2: It is nice to be thinking about what I am grateful for, it lifts my spirit.
It is tiring this learning to walk again, knowing nothing will ever be the same, yet at some point knowing that just getting through the hours to another sunrise is not living a life of love.
Gratitudes: Restoring all the therapy gear, table, towels, heaters, aromatherapy , stones, crystals. Laying out the crystals and stones for recharging in the light of the Full Corn moon tonight, washing through and disinfecting everything so it is ready to give massage again. It has been just over a year my heart and my head could not think about such things, but today I begin to offer again that which I can.
Gratitudes: Our Kitten Mazey, she is five months old, a little tinker, who eats my journal, hides my thimbles, sits on my keyboard as I try to type and purrs and snuggles and rules the house and all the dogs who are often here.
Gratitudes: Pasta on the cliff tops, how lucky we are to live in this place of beauty and eat our food as we watch the colours of the sky and listen to the sounds of the sea.
There is a part of me that will always struggle when I begin to act like anything matters anymore, but I believe in the continuity of spirit, I believe Matthew is witness to all that we do, that he stands beside his sister, his brothers, his sisters and brother in laws, his nieces and nephews, his dad and he stands beside me. I believe he knows what all his friends are doing, that he watches over all the family and he cheers us on as much as he ever did in his physical life.
The wall of grief hits hard some days, most days, and sometimes there is no warning, from nowhere it comes, crushing pain, deathly black, lost in voidness, or the steel grey of numbed emotion, sometimes a trigger, a fragrance, a song, a meal, and tears will flow, healing?, there is no healing from this loss, but there is a walking again, a learning of how to carry the aching heart, and there are days that are too heavy to walk in and that’s okay too. Some days I thought I was losing my mind, but it is okay to not get up some days, to not function some days, you cannot know the way of it unless you too have lost a child, the mind is not lost itself, it is simply lost in the grief of love.
My walk is now to make my youngest smile in heaven, and to be mum in which ever fullness I can to my children and grandchildren here on earth.
Gratitudes to My family, here and in heaven, they are my reason to be and loved forever.