I have not written anything the last few weeks, it has been hard to even sit up or get out of bed. I had symptoms the last few months and did not see any connection between them, but now since a cervical herniated disc stopped me in my tracks, it all began to link together. Hand weakness and pain, pins and needles, moments of feeling like I lost a few seconds, flashes in my vision. I’v had time on my hands, not being able to move much, frustrating at first and very scary, but then it became a gift and gave me revealing insight, ‘broken helps connecting to your soul edges’ as Openhand beautifully describes it.
I see I’m getting older but I do not slow down too much, I am a nursery assistant, am active, I enjoy kayaking, rock jumping, body boarding, yoga, I had to stop giving reflexology treatments since summer because of the pain in my hand, but even so there has been the house to clear for our move, the dog and the chickens to see to and the vegetable plot to care for. I think moving and the complications of not getting the first house, then finding a second cottage but our buyers chain breaking, has taken a bit of a toll.
The body when we ignore our mind will find a way of calling our attention to what is amiss, to what we are dis- at- ease with. The universal law of cause and effect will always play out, this life time, a next life time. I see my physically restrictive condition as a time to grow, to be in grace. I need to sit still with my heart and feel totally what is happening, not to my outer persona, but the me inside, the me who is not identified by a label, by what people call me, who is not the therapist, a childrens worker, a yoga person. I have to be honest and ask myself then, did I orchestrate immobility at this time because I needed to see something clearer ?, to appreciate something, to be thankful, to forgive, to let go of attachment to something, to expectation.
A kind lady I do not know commented on a post on my facebook, she said ‘ Let it be and let the universe, resistance is the pain’ . My disc had not yet herniated then, I should have listened to her then, two more people also said the same, three giving wise counsel, ‘ synchronicity ‘, so I relaxed and allowed the story I’d written for myself to change, I relaxed into the pain and the restriction to see what my spirit was trying to tell myself, I allowed space for something to heal, to birth to reveal to resolve.
I’m up again now and find myself looking for exercises to help with healing my body but am aware of a hint of trying ‘fix’ my problem creeping in, I am looking at which foods will aid cell regeneration but also I will be taking time to meditate, to breath, mindful not turn on the t..v out of mindless habit, which effects to tune me not in, but out of this precious life.
With all the tragedies and grief that seems to be just about affecting every part of the world I want to break the habits I have that keep me conformed, uncreative, unresponsive and not living from my heart, and to do that I need to be still.
So I just wrote this really to remind myself and to share that, it came as a shock to not have control of my body. What was revealed, well I see I put a lot of store by my ability to be fit and able to move with ease, a little bit of egoistical pride in there!, and I often take on too much and get annoyed when stories don’t pan out the way I think they probably should (attachment), and I saw I get way more attached to outcome and live far more from the head, the busier I am!.